(TW: Eating Disorders)
Let me explain… Throughout my teens and twenties I was plagued by an eating disorder. As part of my recovery from depression and anxiety I have made huge strides in my recovery of that as well. My ED was a symptom of my other issues so as they improved so did my eating habits.
But eating disorders come with rituals, beliefs, and behaviours that your illness tells you are there to help you, keep you safe, make you better when in fact the opposite is true. These systems put in place can sometimes develop into OCD levels of paranoia, guilt, and fear.
People suffering from an eating disorder can sometimes categorise some foods as good or “safe foods” to eat, or bad “fear foods” that need to be avoided. I know I did. I cut out white bread, sweets, chocolates, deserts, breakfast, milkshakes, any drink that wasn't water, green tea or black coffee, JOY etc. because my illness told me these things would make me feel worse about myself.
On a surface level, cutting out high sugar, high fat foods is good for you, but slowly you start to cut out more and more. Entire food groups gone, and even healthy alternatives of the foods you once loved are now forbidden and that list of “safe foods” becomes smaller and smaller as you find more excuses why a food isn't clean/safe/good enough.
They are parasitic thought processes, but they can be dismantled over time with persistent work and healing.
And sometimes, like yesterday, they sneak up on you when you think you’ve moved past them...
I came back from the gym (which I now have a MUCH healthier relationship with) and my partner was making cheese on toast. I said I'd have some; my body needed fuel and nutrients. I didn't realise it was on white bread (white bread was bad, brown bread was acceptable), and I panicked.
I had anticipated brown bread and this shift in expectation took me by surprise.
It frustrated me.
“I've worked so hard”
“Why am I still like this?”
"It's just bread"
“What if I start going down hill again?”
“What if all that work was for nothing?”
So I sat on the kitchen floor deep in a shame spiral. I breathed through the panic and I journaled. I needed to process how I was feeling and remember how far I have come.
Food used to control my life. I was truly miserable.
I don't worry about eating at restaurants anymore, and when I do I'm not checking the calories on the menu, or afraid to get dessert if I want it. I eat my fear foods (usually) without a second thought, and food is now a joyful experience instead of a fearful one.
I know so many women (including myself) who don’t take the time to recognise how much we have achieved, or allow ourselves to see our work and progress as an achievement. Journaling about this helped to massively calm me down and remove myself from that negative headspace.
That headspace is not there to help you and build you up, it’s only there to pull you down and make you feel awful.
So when I say I understand what it feels like to have low confidence, I mean it, and I realised that my past actually makes me a much better business owner and practitioner.
My negative experience means that I can weave more empathy and compassion into my workflow processes and I work hard to make other people feel comfortable, gorgeous, and confident when they work with me.
I never want to be a contributing factor to someone else’s negative self-talk. I love knowing that the pictures I take and the brands I build help others feel amazing about themselves and their business.
I also strive to create a non-judgemental, open environment on my social media spaces, and during the shoot and planning process. This is why sharing my own experiences is so important to me. How can I expect other people to open up and trust me if I do not do the same?
We all deserve genuine connection, support, and validation. We all have ups and downs, and it's okay be frustrated. We get to choose how we move forward, and what voices we listen to.
Thank you for reading, and my inbox is always open.
P.S. - If the topic of this post affects you or someone you know, Eating Disorder support can be found here: https://rb.gy/58slqw
P.P.S - For those wondering… I ate the cheese on toast 🏅
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